God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it