I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
📽️movie date🎞️
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.