The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now