Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.