Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*