Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help