I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
You Might Also Like
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Muppet Screams