Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*