HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
How did we not see this back then?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Hero horse inspires millions
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt