Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.