Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Interior design 👌
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played