I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.