Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Best table by far
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.