mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.