Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
is nasa ok
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.