“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.