ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”