BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
So we got a goldfish…
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*