No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.