Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda