Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you