Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.