FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK