I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
NOT all policemen are strippers.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*