Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
You Might Also Like
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Previously On Persistence 😎
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard