I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Banderslack Clamberdorch