I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.