A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts