In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!