Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The Struggle