Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.