[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
What is going on? 😅
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat