wtf is a larm clock?
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When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Happy thanksgiving
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.