*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect