WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
You Might Also Like
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
wtf management?!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?