I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
You Might Also Like
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
So sick of all these stupid rules
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.