[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I can’t stop watching this.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man