[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!