sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.