No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You Might Also Like
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people