doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person