“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Guantanamo Bae
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.