Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My Guy
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.