(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Born to be mild.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?