me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.