same vibe as tangled headphones
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.