Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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not to brag, but mine was free
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
a badder mouse
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.