In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean