Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
mmm onion ringos
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Room with a view.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.