The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.